I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing...

After gorging beyond any reasonable amount of food yesterday, I realized that as far as I’ve come in self control and weight loss I still have a long way to go. I am very much an "all or nothing" kind of eater, I rarely can slide and then stop the slide and get back on track within a sitting. I've done great at all you can eat buffets before when I take one plate with a reasonable sampling and make a good meal out of it. Then I’ve had ones where I’m at the soft serve machine pouring it into my mouth with brownies and cookies and pizza stuffing my face like a freak and going back for more. Yesterday was like that, one M&M, 2 M&M…then I had visions of me pouring them into my face. It wasn’t THAT bad, but I just can’t shake the feeling of sitting there so full I felt like I was gonna puke and still wanting to eat. Today I actually feel like I do sometimes when I drank way too much the night before, that sort of ashamed/embarrassed feeling like “wow, what did I do?” Okay, well I gotta just get back to it, and seriously, I friggin ran 11 miles, I think I get a little bit of room to gorge.

I figure that in the long run (no pun intended) I’ve got the right idea, it’d be hard to go from 265ish to 190ish doing all the wrong things, however SO many days like yesterday remind me that it is an everyday, every meal issue for me. There are days at work when someone brings donuts or cookies where I get the feeling I’m going to grab the box and eat all of them, for no reason. I can usually control myself, and honestly I do a pretty good job of it about 90% of the time. I’ve read somewhere that will power is finite and maybe that’s part of the problem. My workout yesterday was tough and I had a really hard time gutting out the last 2-3 miles, maybe by the time I got to the party I was ignoring my brain saying “STOP EATING!!!!!” I have family members in AA and they talk about booze in a very similar way, I’m not that familiar with 12 stepping, but one big problem is it’s impossible to abstain from food and even “healthy” food in freakish excess is unhealthy. The unhealthy garbage I tend to binge on is pretty friggin damaging to a healthy eating routine.

Today is my rest day, and I’m doing some stretching and possibly 20-30 minutes on the bike trainer just to burn out the acid. It’s snowed several inches so we’ll see how tomorrows run works out.